chicks are for fags.

My mother flew in for the day. I picked her up from the airport, and then went to school. She took my car for two hours and then picked me up. We got lunch, got our eyebrows done, and went shopping. Then we got dinner at bob evans where i ordered two of everything on the menu so our adorable waiter would have to return over and over. My mom brought my easter present- which i wasn't supposed to open. I mean, I didnt open. But if i did open, I bet i'd get an easter carebear, the grudge dvd [havent seen it yet], easter candy, a plum coach bag, and purple gucci sunglasses..... yesss! ;) so that's pretty badass. I took her back to the airport around 8, then everyone seemed to be indisposed, so I went home. I think i'm going to dye my hair again. If you've seen me in the last 24 hours, you know I have black and neon gold hair. Its like fluorescent orange and horrible. Oh yeah, that reminds me- i got some badass gold shoes today.
Wednesday I joined a gym in bowie. I ran three miles and walked two as well as completed the weight circuit training class. Sarah is my gym buddy and we are collectively awesome. Very soon we will be kicking your ass.

ive become really upset with everyone lately. things are falling apart. I get up really early in the morning now. I go to bed really late. I have more hours on my hands than I'm used to. I've started filling them with things. I'm not sitting at my place, i never watch tv, i never sit on the computer unless i'm doing work or homework. I volunteer now. I go to the gym. I go outside and run. I even eat healthy now. I still read and study languages. I remain [gag] drawing and painting as commisioned.
my parents teased me with moving to a condo, possibly in annapolis [or near]. I dont know if its going to happen. I would like that. We'll see. There are a lot of problems here lately, I might need a place to stay for a few days. I dont really know what to do. There are a lot of things coming together right now that are really weighing on me. I was upset about this more when i got back from florida then I am right this second, but it seems to be catching up with me. ...ugggh.

anyway,
i needed today, it was a total break. This weekend is also fixin to be pretty good. I'm going to go to the darkroom friday morning, hit the gym during the afternoon and drop in on the big party at T's friday night. Saturday im headed out for "General Wallick's weekend of excursion" or "bear's get the fuck away from you all gallivant" or "Sherye's pre-springbreak 500K" yeaaahhhh.
and on that note.
i'm escaping.



-Sherye

i've got a little bit of apple stuck in my throat

MANSQUITO!
assorted thoughts on mansquito:

animalclub-
"Which part man? Which part mosquito? MANSQUITO!!!!!
-I just thought that'd be a good tag line. I know science has gone and proved that bugs genetically couldn't survive a mutation of largeness. But, that doesn't keep the dreamers from dreaming.
what's done is done. and what's done is mansquito. it came in like a lion, and went out like a half man, half mosquito. here's the quick stats on mansquito:

• Number of Times Mansquito Called By Name: 1
• Number of unexplainably hot nuclear scientists: 2
• Number of Times the Burger King commercial with Hootie in it ran: 6
• Number of other movies about mutated mosquitos that ran right after mansquito:1"

paravonia-
"Mansquito will be the most successful made for sci fi t.v. movie ever and I'm already working on pitching some ideas for sequels. These are all copyright 2005 Paravonian so the millions are mine, sorry.

ManDingo Half man, half Australian dingo, kind of like a wolf man.

Manmur Mostly found in Madagascar, the manmur is half man, half lemur.

Manny Devito half man, half Danny Devito.

Manfredo a human frame, but flesh has been replaced by alfredo sauce.

Manodge Artois Half man, half Dodge pickup that runs on Stella Artois."

personally, half bug half man movies are my favorite genre. almost as exciting as watching andy goldsworthy build thirty-seven 8foot eggs out of rocks he found on the ground.
arrrgh. i kept dipping my tricked out finger in the developer. oww.

could you grab your accordian and come over here?

i went running. its been a long time since i've done that. i had running shoes just sitting, collecting dust. I ran to places I've never seen and then I ran to citgo. And then i ran home. I'll do better tomorrow. I kind of miss getting my ass kicked at all varieties of basketball games against dan and kyle. I dont miss running, but its something I can do almost anytime with little prep and I dont need any other people. I never do anything anymore. I'm going to be outside more from now on. Also, my hair is cut nicely for running; it stays out of my face.
Saturday was glory's party at Roos. I had a surprisingly good time. Some highlights:
Light saber duels:







I was crowned #1 DAD.

roo loves cake.


i'll miss you glory.
you know how we do.


Shane came too, which surprised me and I hadnt seen him in what felt like a long time. Then he kicked everyone ass at beerpong. I even played. gross. I like having evan and shane in the same room- my two favorite people. that makes me happy. We rocked out to The Used mass-karaoke style. That was odd, i wish someone had a picture of that. I jacked up my finger really bad opening bottles. Spaniol raped my foot with a road case top. Gallows showed up for a few minutes then left. Then papa roo came home, seemed sorta mad, and then i left.

last night i sat around with one of those people you meet in the strangest of ways. You can talk and talk and never hit one of those hackneyed topics because youre mutually tired of the same old thing. Thats how you met, or how you got there in the first place. i dont know how to characterize it. Anyway, we watched history channel documentaries about cannabalism, german movies with the sub titles covered up, infomercials for sex videos, and the church channel at 4am. This is how i like it.
I'm going to the grocery store now. I dont think I'll cry this time because i'm wearing shorts and i dont want to look any more ridiculous than i already will.

bye.

myspace circa march 13, 2005

" Sherye's Blurbs
About me:
nothing in my life is ever stable. people come and go as fast as my emotions do. when i wake up, i never have any concept of what could happen that day. somewhere along the line i have become accustomed to accepting every event with the same indifference. it catches up with me sooner or later, but for the most part i'm just a bystander in my own life. i'm watching out the window. i'm apathetic at my own dismantling. I can rationalize almost any bad feeling; I've come to accept mediocrity and unhappiness as the standard. I internalize all my dissapointments and failures. As a result, I am almost always sad. In public and even while surrounded with close friends I feel like everyone is watching for me to be happy all the time, so ironically [in the truest form] I almost never show my true feelings. so now you know, but you'll still never notice. When I'm feeling really overwhelmed, I look down and think to myself "does it really matter?" It's always a tough decision. I'm always flooded with emotions, and worse, with options. I've always felt drowned with the inclination to debate every single minute detail from every angle. I live alone and I dont have a lot of friends. I like it that way, except sometimes I lose track of the outside world entirely for days at a time. For those I do care about, I go out of my way to try to show that I appreciate them. Sometimes I am more awkwardly blunt than suave, but hopefully the thought remains. Simple things impress me like american food, educational chemistry programming, and the use of the oxford comma. I've been through everything. I can handle so much, I just dont want to anymore.
I'm tired.

more and more lately, i like to be in cool, dark, quiet places. just like a nuclear weapon.
I'm a photographer; I'm almost always armed with a camera or two. I'd spend all day in the darkroom if I could. I'm learning three languages. If you want to discuss the finer points of grammar, punctuation and translation theory I want to meet you. If you want to discuss them in [or concerning]other languages, I want to marry you. Be prepared to defend your position. If you read my myspace blog, it will make me happy. Also, if I could borrow your uncut crystal decanter, that'd be great, thanks.
Whom I'd like to meet:Roald Hoffman and Don Showalter. I'm not shy, but i am quiet. I won't make smalltalk. I have this soft spot for severely introverted people who have morbid senses of humor and dance a little off beat.
instant messenger: i dont like IMs. just myspace message me. "


dont ever forget

unfinished. edit. finished.

this time last year i didn't feel that same. unless you count the hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, isolation, and dejectedness. but, other that that...
anyway, i was going through my work mail and deleting old stuff. I had 168 pages of crap from over a year that I couldnt delete until recently. Physically, I couldn't delete the stuff. It gave me error messages. Then i started getting "account over limit" messages. I started seeing things I had forgotten about and thats when I made the mistake of combing through my personal email too. I get few emails now, fewer than real mail mail, but I used to get a lot. I used to look forward to checking my email because I waited on pins and needles for well thought out missives from several friends en voyage. Now i just fevrishly check myspace from myspace comments and replies to my blogs. especially valentine applications. I will get to the reason for that in particular in time, espera.
from now on, i want everything i look for to be located in the place i look for it. thx.
i'm finish this later. i'm pissed off.

cheers

here's to

• being happy because happy things happen. sure beats being happy at sad occasions and being sad about no occasion at all.
• tiedying my new lime green shirt. "wine dyeing" whatev.
• "sunt baiet a ta. sunteti fata a mea?"
• kids who have the capacity for emotion (ohhhh i stole that) and insanity. or maybe just the one who surprised me with cheese fries, horror movies and red wine when i got off the plane. perfecto.
• degrassi on dvd, ddr @home, bunches of new horror movies (and musicals).
• a good new years eve with lots of friends.

i'm trying to decide if this year is the most up and down year i've had. I think anyone who has be around me for any good length this year would say yes. I'm thinking evan and dan. but really, i've seperated myself from the past with so many walls and fences and motes and that I almost can't relate to anything from years past and my view of the past is so skewed. My memory is always to sketchy. I'm a whole different person in many aspects, so I almost can't compare myself now to myself then. maybe more on this later, but i'm tired now. I left my phone with shane, and i'm sleepy so I'm not going to pick it up right this second. If you're looking for me, myspace message me, I dont want people to call the house.

nightnight.

<3thebear

no, really.

ewww gross. today is gross. i woke up feeling like shit at someone elses house. So i got up and it was 14 degrees. i deiced the gangstamobile and headed home. When i got here, i turned the heat way up and subsequently fell asleep for three hours. A text and a voicemail woke me up. I was feeling bummed, not really at yesterdays' proceedings, but just in general. I think my cold is coming back also which is a big plus. Anyway, I talked to dan first thing and made plans for him to come see my new room. That cheered me up because we're gonna play jeopardy and get cheese fries and chill and it'll be nice. I never get to see him ever, so this is nice before he goes to nj and i go to florida.
Shane is still coming to florida. Which isnt wierd (?) for some reason. It'll be chill i think. I'm glad to have some company while i'm down there anyway. I mean, if we were always better as like a bestfriend type thing, than why wouldnt it be cool? this is what i'm telling myself.
Dan says if you can lie to yourself, then you can lie to others x 298736873.
Well i can lie to others, but i cannot lie to myself. Doesnt really matter how hard i try.
"i'm happy"
[no youre not]
"yes i am!"
[no]
"yes!"
[no] PUNCHES SELF IN FACE.

ahhh. moving on.
i really gotta take a shower. Spaniol is calling.
ok.
I swear he just called to tell me "if you were a nanny itd be awesome because you'd be 'sherbear the au pair'."
oh my god.

fuck this,
bye.

thebear

nabakov vs borges

this post isn't pointless to me, but it might be to you.
so, i have a new boyfriend. he is amazing. I don't want to think about it too much though. I think if I do, i'll go crazy and fuck everything up.
I was just thinking about that yesterday and I started to get really apprehensive about the whole thing. Especially the "telling your new boyfriend you're insane" thing. But somehow it just came out and it was ok. turns out, hes crazy too. This is great. We're either going to kill ourselves, each other, or some homeless people. It's weird actually. He immediately knew exactly what i was talking about. Almost no one follows me on these things. Even if they think they do, I can tell. Empathy gets you absolutely nowhere.

so cute you wanna barf, right? <333
I need to go grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping. I dont know why. I love the smells and the lights. My favorite time to go is very late at night. It really takes away from the experience when there are a lot of people there and a lot of noise. I'd also prefer that the cashier not talk to me. Thanks.
I've moved to eldersburg, and my parents are in the process of moving to florida. my dad got a promotion and theyre going to be just outside of orlando. I have to go there for a few weeks in january and its going to suck. I dont really have a choice. I'm sure I'm just going to sit down there all day and night alone and insane. I'm not going to know anyone. I guess i'll venture into town and go to shows by myself a lot. But it is january, and not much tours in January. uggh.
I really like it here. I can do anything I want without anyone on my back.


sigh.

moving on. I saw Alan for the first time in forever and that was cool. We went out to dinner and he brought me the complete Rimbaud which I havent been able to put down lately. Thanks Alan.
It also replanted the horrible connundrum i was having at school while i read 497648764 kunderas. Is it better to literally translate to preserve exact thought, or to render foreign texts into seperate works in your native language to make them more functional and pleasing . Its really a question of thought/communication vs. art. I guess. I dont know, this stupid question plagues me like noneother. and there obviously no answer. Its like pondering the meaning of life. Only this is much mroe important. Personally, I think the former is more correct. Why bother writing, if your thought was going to get lost in another language for the sake of fluidity?
I'm getting mad thinking about it. I'm gonna go.


<3thebear

my brain lives in a small fish bowl

what the fucking hell is going on?
i never have anything figured out. Even the smallest things are a mystery to me. and everyone is always talking behind my back. Everyone always knows things before I do. Even when these things personally concern me. I feel like i'm going to throw up. I can't get rid of this feeling. When I'm finally happy with something, everything changes. Evan told me for a long time today what I was doing wrong with boys. Why i'm never happy and what i should do. He was right, I didnt really want to hear it, but he was right. And it was nothing I didnt already know. So i felt frustrated and lost. I thought about how I was happy to have him as my best friend because he can always give me good advice and look at me objectively like no one else can, especially not myself. Even though i'm really level headed about things, i'm always just too stubborn to listen to my gut when it tells me to do something i dont really want to do. I'm rambling, but i feel like i'm going to explode so i have to keep on going. so. i was thinking about how happy and lucky i felt to have evan as my best friend. and that was keeping me from ripping my hair out like i used to.


but then he was like "lemme slam you with something different killaaaah." and i was like "oh christ." and then i was like "its all over" in my head i said it.
then i went to find my brother because maybe he wants to go do something and at least i wont have ot talk to him about anything in my life and we can just eat and transcend all that bullshit. my dad came home and we went to damons. Damons at arundel mills has this NTN trivia game thing on one the 93676 big screens. I def raped all 4 games we played. It started to say on the screen "jukebox trivia champion:Sher" and "Biggest brain: Sher." So i was kinda happy for a little while b/c you know i'm such a sucker for beating people at stupid things.
I was trying to just eat and feel normal but i couldnt, then we left and i was driving and i thought i was gonna need to pull over to puke. and what would my dad think of that..?
I managed to get home. I called jon to see if he wanted to come over and watch soylent green. I just wanted someone around, i dont know if i'll bring up any of the night earlier proceedings. I still feel sick. My world is upside fucking down. I had all these planms tonight, but i just couldnt bring myself ot go do anything. I feel weird and numb and disconnected but at the same time like my brain is on fire and trapped inside on head or maybe it;s floating around in my head and my head is flooding. my brain can't breathe. I need to get out. of my head or the house or something. I'm going to go crazy again and i dont want to. I even consulted mrh for help, but i didnt get much good advice. someone said "cheer up.YOUVE ALWAYS GOT DAH INTARWEB" and that was somewhat amusing. i chuckled. it's true. when anything goes wrong i turn to the internet. its not a good thing really. i mean, what am i doing now...i'm writing on a fucking internet web journal blog for my internet e-friends. ntohing is real, i turn to the fucking fake who cares about anything place. fawk. i thoguht about who can i talk to, and i was liek "evan!" then of course, i was like "no...."
so i guess everyone will be offended that i didt call them. truth is, i texted vincent. thats it. i guess i dont really wanna talk do i, i just want to sit and be miserable by myself. I mean, i can't talk to any of the guys. Maybe danny, but i dont think so. I'll get myself together tomorrow and then maybe i'll call someone to get some advice i guess. or fuck it. i'm really upset. i guess i never really said what happened. aren't i always vague.
hey everyone, kill yourself.

i'm going to go for a while. i will maybe post something more coherent later. i'm not going to proofread this bitch. oh and i put new pics up on myspace. yay.
bye.

overextended

it is not essential to talk every minute of the day.

it's not even amusing, entertaining, or endearing.
i think its really taxing, especially if i'm the one who is expected to be constantly talking. I do have things to say. But if i see early on that the person i'm talking to doesn't seem to be interested, i won't bother saying anything the rest of the night. I just dont feel the need to constantly run my mouth. And i dont know why other people do. A lot of the time, I just prefer to observe. Why do people find silence so awkward. Just enjoy the moment.
I mean, I'm always thinking, I just dont think its a good idea to say everything thats on my mind all the time. That is so tactless.
Don't get me wrong, I dont mean to say that people should shut up. I'm always here for people who want to talking abut things, vent, complain, need advice, etc.

Theres a bunch of kids around me who really just dont get me. It seems there are only a handful of people who understand even the most basic parts of my personality at all. Evan, christy, alan, dan and a few others (to a lesser extent). I'm not loud and obnoxious, and the things I find funny, and the jokes i make are subtle. I'm so sick of meeting people in such a random way. People you meet the first time just dont 'get' quiet people. It's like they think i'm boring or just stupid. It's annoying. or maybe i am just boring.

I just read through a series of emails to/from a good friend that I miss a lot. I don't know why i saved them as they were written, but I'm glad I did. I would have saved them if they were hard letters, so why not this way too?

I used to think it was fun to stay up all night on the phone with someone. Talking about every little thing. I don't think so anymore. Or maybe I just can't find anyone I'd want to with.

Today was my birthday. It was pretty lame. I didnt do anything.

Why is my head on fire?

http://blunttruth.bolt.com/takesurvey.cfm?uid=1745711

Tonight is GMS in annapolis and sunday is GMS in DC. I would be very happy if you came out.

410 218 5955 call for details, directions.


-the bear