i cut throats

this is the most useless time in my life. I'm just sitting around waiting. I do what I have to, school work, wbr work, cursory hellos and goobyes. I'm not learning anything, I'm not getting anything done. I'm not particularly happy with anything, I'm just content- for the moment. It doesn't seem good enough. Someone just asked me how i was, what is up with me. I answered nothing, and thought that was probably a good thing. The drama is over for the most part. I don't want it back, but now that it's gone it's left an immutable silence. My life feels empty, I didn't win anything through all of this. The last few weeks of school feel useless, I can't change anything. I just have to sit here and wait for it to be over, then idly watch the changes as they come. That's the hardest thing for me to do. Sit back and watch people come and go, in and out of my life.

The closer I get to the end of this semester, the less content I am and the more frustrated, even irate, I become. I can't decide if i want to go home. Part of me wants the conveniences, comfort, and food. But, going home is just another reminder of how alone I keep feeling. At home, I dont have the constant stream of people, or the constant internet, so more likely than not I'll just sink back into myself like I tend to do. I'm alot more introverted than I have been acting for the past two months, and I think it's really taxing my reserves. Either way, I dont have a choice, so I don't know why I even brought it up.

One thing I'm looking forward to is Alan coming back. I miss him a lot, but I dont like thinking about it. He's coming back a lot sooner than expected and for that I am thankful.
I guess, as a requisite trade, as Alan comes back, Dan leaves.
but i cant think of it like that. Dan is going to europe with Rob for a week or so, just after finals are over. After that, hes probably going back home to New Jersey. I don't actually expect to see him at all. Which makes me think: why am i doing this at all? It may be a horrible attitude to have, but I really can't force myself to see it any other way. I mean, I hardly ever open up to anyone, and now that i really have, that person is just going to disappear for a few months, and I just feel like quitting now. Its not his fault. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how important relationships like these should be. And I absolutely have no answer for that. It seems to me, that I take some parts of it way too seriously, and other parts I gloss over that maybe should be given more consideration. Like if this is just for fun during the school year, should I just forget about it when summer comes? I dont feel like I could easily do that; is that the expectation? If its not to be forgotten, then what happens when school comes back in next semester. Do things pick back up? I doubt i'll want that, after not being close for so long.

in other news, I feel another thing coming on. A food and sleep thing. I think I'm losing my appetite again. It's not a big deal, it just happens every so often. I just dont need food or sleep anymore. I'm sometimes a superhero, it's the absolute fucking truth. and my alter ego is cool too, but has more problems and might be insane.

Also-
I havent really flipped out in a while. I dont feel anymore stable or anything at all. If anything, the opposite, I think i've just adjusted to my surrooundings and am keeping a lot more inside than I did for the last couple months. I'll let it out at a later date, alone. I'm having a hard time, i'm flipping out on myself and I'm scaring myself. i think i'm going crazy. I'm serious.


i should really stop thinking all together. of course, if i could do that...if I could just turn off this constant stream of frustrating thought, then I wouldn't have any problems at all, would I? And more seriously, stop talking now.

one thing I can do: N A P.