begin and end.

Once again, I clear up- school is over. Maybe for myself more than anyone else, but school things are over, school relationships are over school food is unfortunately over. I miss quesadillas. I misss Shelley; she's at camp. I only miss one or two other people from school, but overwhelmingly that's enough. I'll get back to this. maybe.

Evan brought me the best present ever yesterday. It was a small basketball he named "Gerard." I had so much fun with it at the show in Delaware. I wasn't really expecting anything from this show, I thought it would be slow and maybe boring, but I ended up having a great time. We had a big 6 person monkey in the middle game going on and we played frisbee all night in the dark parking lot. I was sitting in my usual place at the merch table when GMS went on, they started playing "someday" which is a mushy love song. Of course i start thinking about dan because i am a retard who gets hung up on the wrong people. I'll come back to that. anyway- Oddly enough, in the middle of the song Dan called. So i was like flew into 12 year old girl mode "omg!11!!one!..." and went outside to answer the phone. He said he was coming down to MD from NJ and could he stay with me? Actually, i immediately thought this was a bag sign, but I ignored that, in favor of being optimistic and giddy that he called at all. He had to go and said he'd call back in a sec. I called home to see if it was cool for him to come over that night and my mother said it was ok. I went back in the show with a smile on my face.

Rewind. Friday afternoon I talked to dan and he said he may come down for the weekend. He would have come down friday night and come to the delware show with me, then left on sunday. He called back later on friday and said he wasn't coming, citing time as a reason, telling me he had too much to do that weekend. I couldn't argue.

Back to the show night. He calls back and I rush back outside, he's talking and I can't hear him. I get way out in the dark parking lot and he tells me he wants to come and I'm happy because I haven't seen him in a week. The feeling is killed quickly, he tells me he's leaving very early in the morning to go meet up with Pat in Glen burnie to go to the beach with Pat's family. Hmmm. So i recount the plan to him "you want to meet up with me when I get back to the maryland (somewhere in 2-4am) and come back to my place to crash, then get up and leave?" Yeah, he says. I'm thinking "sounds like fun..." The funny thing is he spun the words to make it sound like this is a good idea for me and I should want him to come do this. But all I actually envision is getting back to maryland, back to Dave's, where my car is, at 4am, driving around trying to meet up with Dan, driving home, clearing out my guestroom, passing out, getting back up at 8am to say good bye, going back to sleep feeling empty and used.
...

I tell him I dont think it's a good idea.
But, if possible, I would like to know how he suddenly found all this free time to come to maryland.
Because if he can create time, i would like to be let in on the secret.
I was really dissapointed at this point. I didn't miss my chance to ask how this happened. "Why do you have time to come down to maryland tonight, but you didnt' have time to come see me before on friday?" He says something to dismiss my comment. Then he changes his story and tells me the real thing is that he didnt have money and wouldn't be able to take me out. And going to the beach with Pat won't cost anything....I mentally calculate the cost of gas and tolls from Jersey to MD. I dunno $30 or so. Funny thing about it is, costs the same no matter whom you're coming to see. His story doesn't match up to his lame excuses. and once again I just feel worthless.
You know, after coming back from jersey the last time, I really felt better. Or at least I convinced myself that I should feel better. Either way, it's not the point. I thought he really cared about me, but the things he tells me he does in thoughtfulness don't make sense and the truth is I put so much into this and I am the one who gets hurt. He told me he wont hurt me. I think he doesn't want to hurt me, but will, if it's all the same to him in the end. I put so much into this even though I shouldn't. Things aren't balanced at all. I think if I said that to him he's say "well then don't" rather than "i'll fix that." So i guess it's my own fault. After school ended and we broke things off, I convinced myself it was the only thing to do. At that point I really didn't want to get back togtehr with him in the fall. I just didn't think I'd be into it. Then my mind changed and I missed him a lot. But the whole time, I always thought, if he were so into me, he wouldn't have broken it off. I still feel that way.
Anyway, I told him it wasn't a good idea and he didnt come to meet me. I guess he stayed in jersey till the morning, then left and went directly to Pat's. He probably felt like shit when he got there.
I wouldn't have minded if he told me on friday he just didnt want to come down for the weekend. I would have much preferred if he just told me straight off. I don't know why he lied, and I dont know why he thought money was an issue anyway. He knows I don't care about that, and it's much more important to me to just spend time with him than to go out.
One of the last things he said to me that night was "this is not fair." I think what he meant was it wasn't fair to him that I was dissapointed. Ahem. I dont think anything is fair in this deal, so all I could do was smirk. I was standing alone in this desserted strip mall all the way down the block. I was so angry and frustrated at this comment I was kicking the bricks and throwing rocks.
As a whole I was really so dissapointed. I just wanted to curl up in a ball onthe sidewalk and cry. Sometimes I wish i had never cared.
The gms set was ending and I had to go back inside to sell merch. I asked if I should call him back and he said "no." I felt like never talking to him again ever. I felt like telling him so. but i think i just hung up. I went inside and sold some stuff and two idiots said the exact same thing to me. "boy, you look enthused." Shut up. you dont know me. I'll look more enthused after I punch you in the face.

Well after this whole thing I was in tears. I was just so dissapointed and pissed off. All i wanted to do was find evan. I ran into him by the merch and he took one look at me and led me out back to the parking lot in a quiet place. He asked me what was wrong, and i told him the whole thing. He gave me good advice, which I won't recount word by word, and calmed me down. Evan is always there for me when I have some sappy story to tell with a huge grin on my face, or when something has upset me and i'm talking through my tears. I love you ev <3
I was talking with another friend the other day about how this is the first time in a long for me to have close friends that I really care about and who care about me. I had forgotten what it was like to have someone care about you in a completely platonic way. Someone who takes the time to find out what's going on, and isn't just waiting for their turn to talk. It's been a long time since I haven't had a boyfriend for a good amount of time like this and I'm really learning to see how lucky I am. I'm really just better off this way especially since I've got great friends to rely on. How can that measure up to stupid relationships that don't last and getting my heart stepped on every day. That, among other things, is basically what Evan told me. What evan reminded me, because I knew.
I always know better, but then I just go back and get myself hurt again.
This time I'm done. I'm finally finished. I just can't keep doing this to myself when I know there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I always end up falling for the wrong people. Maybe I do like to jump head first into things, but when I do, I always want to do it completely. Maybe I didnt really realize that about myself before. But I really like close, encompassing relationships. I like things one on one. I just can't stand doing things half-ass anymore. I want the emotional part of the relationship instead of only the physical.


and you know what-
I've never said anything bad about you behind your back.
ever.

I'm getting so pissed off just writing this so I'm going to take a break for now.

Sherye