i hate summer.

I wish i could come up with a better title. but right now, i really can't. thats about the entire sentiment, and no witty remarks can strengthen it.
i think this will be the last post of this nature- i never used to post about stupid things, remember?
anyway, suffer through this and we'll get back to me being awesome.
So, i spent the summer, a good deal of time, in new jersey with dan, or at my house with dan. I was so attached to him. I don't know why now, I didn't know why then. It was easy to see we weren't too good for each other. I think even my parents could sense my discontent. Or maybe I just told them. I can't badmouth him, he's a cool guy. He would be great for some altruistic girl with little free time. We had nothing in common, except maybe Myspace. Concerning myspace: I probably should have learned from this, but I didn't. Ask anyone. I wonder sometimes whether it was me being stupid/lonely/bored that I let myself get so close to him or whether it was something else. That was vague. What I really meant was, let me say this backward. I had an intense manic episode while Dan and I were together. I wonder if maybe that was the entire reason we were together. For lack of better words, a lapse in judgement. Often associated with manic episodes: promiscuity and lack of judgement. I guess that's rather harsh, but in my view, being with a guy thats not your type is much better than what other manic people often do: gamble their money away, spontaneously drive cross-country, jump off buildings. I wish the term "lapse" carried the usual short-tern connotation, here unfortunately it was several months. Ok. Obviously, theres more than one side to this. So why was he with me? No idea. ask him. I mean in a serious way- like why did he drive hours to see me? I know one reason, I'm hoping there were others, I'm doubting there were others. Anyway, I got really upset when I found out I wasn't going back to school. One of the main reasons was because I thought I was going to miss him a lot and things would never be good between us. The whole summer we weren't together, but I was holding onto the notioin that we might get back together upon returning to school. My shortsightedness blocked out most all other problems with not going back to school. I didnt want to just call him and tell him, I wanted to see him face to face and discuss this. He was busy. When i finally did see him a week or so later, things were awful, so I decided right there I didnt ever want to come back. And for once in my life I just quit.
In my head the summer was some sort of competition. Why do I always have to be playing games? Even when no one is playing back. I wanted him to be jealous, to wonder what I was doing in maryland wihtout him, and with whom. He did, sometimes. I knew what he was doing. Actually, I knew specifically what and with whom some of the time. Word travels fast. I really didn't care, which surprises even me. Even now. I was somewhat jealous because I wanted to see him, but not because I wanted him to myself. It was a pure feeling. I just wanted him near me. It was fleeting, I would get interested in other people. I met a bunch of guys during the summer, none that really lasted, but they got my mind onto other things. That may have been their sole purpose. It doesn't really matter. I forgot where this was going because lately I can't concentrate on anything for more than ten minutes. I lose interest in dinner. Ummm. Summer yes. My heart sinks. I hate summer. Anyway, thats all over. A lot of people have asked about it, so there it is. Probably because I posted a whole bunch of myspace bulletins about random shit during the relationship.
Whats really frustrating to me is, I dont think he ever got to know the real me. What i think he saw in me was nothing like what I was and thats sorta of annoying since I spent my entire summer manifesting myself this way. I guess in other words I eventually started playing the part of what I thought he thought I was. or something. I know I didnt really know him either. It's a dissapointing way to have a relationship.
Thats the last time I'm looking back.
--
I was going to end the post right there, but I have some more sappy stuff to add. And since I said there would be no more stupid posts after this one, I have to be sure to collect it all up and get it out of my system.
Other stuff:

Oh my god I just got a splinter. my bed is made of wood.
Kevin- "you know what i bet you hate? Dispatch" It's true.
Kevin: you know that song, "all we have left is aids and crack and techno" ..i think its about smoking pot.
Sherye: .. or probably about crack?
Kevin: what?... you like crack? it shows.

...and how.
So i've been super busy lately. smoking crack. I wish i hadnt left my cell phone at an abandoned shack near the railroad tracks. but hey people, you can reach my here: 410 218 5955. Its the cell i'm using till my new one gets here. Then i'll go back to my regular number. So i feel kinda disconected and sorta reconnectedin a different way. Like when you go blind.
I have to leave in a second so I will wrap this bitch up. I will probably come back to this, but I will write the rest in a different post, so I guess I lied.
I wonder if you read what you wanted to read. I'd say no. I will write it, and I will dissapoint you later. I'm going to roos now. I havent seen ev in a long time and my heart is sick about it.


-the bear